March 30, 2014 Letter to Lydia
I am working on a story set during the time of WWII.
The following is a letter written home by a soldier to his young wife.
How could the rhythm, wording, or dramatic appeal of the page be improved?
My dearest Lydia,
It is cold and rainy here, a day not unlike the fifty or so which have preceded it. The few local people to whom I have spoken do call the season summer but the month is unlike any we have at home. As for the accommodations, I store myself and my things in a muddy trench called a foxhole and with the wetness of the weather the feel and smell of my woolen clothing is nothing less than repulsive. I detest approaching the other men as they smell worse than I.
Shots are fired for most of the day in tiny raids that do nothing but irritate our own and the enemy's soldiers. As long as we stay down we seem to be safe. But two days ago I saw a fellow like myself stand just a few feet away. He may have been stretching from the tension his muscles felt. He shook as the small red hole registered itself on his forehead and stood for several minutes before he pitched backward into a pool of mud and blood.
The tanks are the worst of it with their rumble felt deep into the earth and up through my very bones. I can never tell if they are near or far or even from which direction they come. I've seen them descend on a camp, belching streams of fire and burning everything in their paths. Each day we bury their dead as the cold is not sufficient to slow the decay for more than a few hours.
Beyond the awful monotony of it, one day simply follows another and there is little I want to say about our lives here. The films we saw back home showed a kinder more jovial war where solders joked and sometimes played among themselves. If there are men here doing that, they are in places I can only dream about.
I pray that someday I will be home again and we can make the life we both dreamed about.
Joan,
ReplyDeleteI'm going to concentrate on faults right now.
1. Too stiff and formal. What young husband would address his young wife by her name? They would have nicknames, possibly very intimate nicknames for each other. Or, if he suspects, as he should, that the letter will be read by others, they may have pre-arranged key words. There's absolutely no love and longing anywhere. A young man would be sex starved and that would come through however circumspect he may want to be.
2. That letter would end up redacted from start to finish. The soldiers were expected to send positive messages, They mastered the art of telling the truth in a roundabout way. Like 'Thanks for the lovely socks that you've sent me. Thery keep my toes dry and my heart warm.' Or 'I laughed at your request to describe the local girls. Even if there were any around, I'd still be thinking only of you. Of us.' Or, 'We're ok for food here even though I'm dreaming of your apple pie fresh from the oven. I could use a lot more books, because the other lads and I have ran out of conversation.' Or 'I've learned new ways of keeping fit and keeping safe at the same time.'
All that together should give the recipient and the reader a fairly accurate impression of what's going on.
Try a very colloquial, informal style and perhaps a few jokes.
Hope you don'y mind me saying all this.
Best Mira
Mira I loved what you said and will think about it very carefully. Would today's readers know those things? Thanks for taking the time. Let me know if you can post anything other than a comment.
DeleteGood morning, Joan
ReplyDeleteA letter is a brilliant choice of a sample. It’s multifaceted and multi-purpose.
But, let’s first deal with two essentials.
Please, don’t think for a minute that I’m telling you what to do. All I can say is how the piece reads to me and how I’d go about it. I don’t know any better than you or anyone else.
Also, your question if the readers would know takes a big bite out of a very big issue - Who are you writing for?
The only way I can justify long hours and all the hard work is if I write for myself and blow the readers. If someone else likes it, great, if not, so be it.
However, if you’re aiming at mass market, do not write history. Do not write anything that requires informed and demanding readers. Which is exactly why romance, paranormal with all its sub-genres, and sci-fi are so popular. Mass market books appeal to senses and emotions; historicals the best part of the mainstream, and mysteries appeal to the mind.
And the absolute worst you can do is fall between the two stools.
So, where would you like us to go from here?
Do you want to discuss the above and your own thoughts on it, or would you prefer us to return to The Letter?
Of course, you may want some time to yourself, instead.
Yes, there’s something that I’d love to post but it’s quite long and I’m not sure what size of a document your website can take. Like your Letter, it’s an info dump and I’d love someone to tell me how it reads.
Hope you’re having a good start of the week.
Mira
Mira, could you try posting a page of it? That way I know I could give it some attention.
DeleteI could do that, Joan, but it woulodn't make any sense at all to you.
DeleteIt's ok, it can wait if and when you have a bit more time. I've still got a great deal of writing to do anyhow. It'll do for the moment as it is because this is only the first draft. The mamoth task of editing and re-writing will cime later.
Joan, I am a reader not a writer but I liked the piece. My grandfather who died five years ago spoke of his first wife in the same kind of tone and about the same things. The letter helped me remember him.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ellis. If it helped you remember then it did everything I had hoped.
Delete